Back Talk: December 2011

Family Life

Antonia Kidd helps you navigate New York City’s parenting scene.

By Antonia Kidd

My family always gives my son stereotypically boyish presents for the holidays, but I’m trying to raise him to be more well-rounded. Can I guide them in their gift choices a bit?

So you’re upset because your family is showering your child with presents? Gifts are a voluntary expression of love and charity, so unless they’re buying things you’ve explicitly forbidden in your home (realistic-looking weapons, say, or war games), accept the gifts graciously and teach your child to do the same. Your parents and siblings are most likely just trying to buy your son toys that they think he will like. If he genuinely prefers Calico Critters over Transformers, definitely let them know. But if it’s just a matter of having a PC toy bin, you can buy him the plush dolls and wooden tea set yourself.

My husband is Jewish and I’m Catholic. We’re raising our son Jewish, but we still celebrate Christmas with my family. My husband, though, thinks it’s inappropriate for my son to go to holiday mass. Thoughts?

I’m in the same boat and we, too, spend Christmas with my family. Despite the fact that we do up the holiday with all the trimmings (Santa, stockings, drunk relatives), I don’t bring my technically Jewish kids to church. In my opinion, for little kids who aren’t familiar with Christian symbolism, there’s too much to explain. Plus, attending mass has never been important to me. You may feel differently, though. Perhaps it’s time to have a bigger discussion with your husband about the decision you came to regarding your son’s religious upbringing.

We conceived our daughter through an egg donor. What is an appropriate age to show her a photo of the donor? (She’s five now and knows a little about the “nice woman” who helped us have a baby.)

Whenever she makes the connection that the “nice woman” is, in fact, her biological mother. Depending on how much you’ve told her about the birds and the bees—and about the role the “nice woman” played (after all, in your daughter’s eyes, the NW could be the doctor)—that connection could happen anytime between now and age 12. Once she starts asking questions about how she got into your belly, the line of inquiry will probably lead you to the identity of the mysterious NW pretty quickly.

My four-year-old son is taking the Gifted and Talented test next month. My five-year-old overheard and is now asking why he never took the test. I feel bad: Should we have him take the exam now so he doesn’t feel left out?

Having him take the test and then not make the cut will only compound his insecurity. Moving forward, stop using the term gifted and talented; call it a “placement” exam or some other benign name. Then talk up your oldest kid’s strong points and emphasize that everyone is special in their own way. If, in the end, your younger son gets into Nest, try distraction: Buy your five-year-old the biggest Lego set you can find and cross your fingers.

IN A QUANDARY? E-mail your parenting questions to our columnist at kids@timeoutny.com.

Comments

I appreciate Antonia Kidd's advice -- she is generally spot-on in what she writes. I think she needed to be a bit more careful in her wording, however, about the egg donor in her answer above. The egg donor is not the child's "biological mother. She is partly so, however "biological mother" is a term that encompasses both the woman whose egg is fertilized by the father's sperm AND the woman who carries the result from fertilized egg to delivered baby. The woman who wrote in with the question is also part of the "biological mother" equation. Both women help shape the baby that is ultimately born, and the mother who wrote should not think of the egg donor as her child's whole "biological mother" when she carried her child to term and gave birth to her. It's tricky stuff, sure, but that's the nature of all of this, and, of course, the child and family created are worth all the complexity surrounding how it all came to pass. All of that said, Ms. Kidd's advice to the mother about when to show the photo is sound. Plus, it might be helpful for the mother who wrote in to know that there are plenty of books written now to help parents navigate this scenario with their children. The less secrecy that shrouds the circumstances of their child's birth, the easier it will be for their daughter to be comfortable and even glad about the way in which she came into the world.