Role mommy: June 4, 2007

Standoff with a sourpuss

I came face to face with a Farbissina Punim yesterday. For those of you who are reading this post and are completely confused, a Farbissina Punim is the Yiddish phrase for sourpuss. She’s the kind of person who will look at a blooming flower and complain that it’s either a weed or a complete annoyance because it causes her to have an uncontrollable sneezing fit. Well, this particular sourpuss is the author of a new book about why women shouldn’t quit their jobs because if their husbands ever fly the coop, they could wind up on welfare.

Okay, that’s certainly a possibility if you decide to throw caution to the wind and marry someone with a roving eye or gambling addiction who eventually ditches you for a tramp, heads to Vegas and leaves you without a pot to poop in. While I am not a SAHM, I have to admit that I’ve been flirting with the idea of taking time to re-evaluate what I really wanted to do with my life before I became a career gal and a mom. Even if I switch gears, I don’t think that’s a sign of me being a quitter or for that matter, on a crash course toward financial destitution.

But while I sat with Frau Farbissina, who managed to spew out statistics like she was a bloody adding machine, I started to think about what her book was trying to accomplish and why, according to the news, it hasn’t really done so well in book stores. Here’s the simple reason—we mothers do not need to hear why we are making the biggest mistake of our lives if we choose to take time off to raise our kids. When someone points a finger and starts rattling off survey information, we shout back, “Hey lady, if you really want to know why moms today are taking time off, how about speaking to some before you start going off on your feminist tirade.”

Now the funny thing is, I really thought I’d be on her side considering I’m a working mother who has managed to find a way to balance life and work and still get home at a reasonable hour each day to be with my family. Plus, I’m even on hand to watch school plays that take place at 11:30am, field day—that’s scheduled for 3pm—and a class poetry reading at 9. While explaining to the author that I wouldn’t miss my kids’ performances for the world, she countered, “Well, they won’t remember anyway if you miss their show.” I instantly responded, “Well, I will and, frankly, I don’t want to miss any of these special moments in their lives.”

It’s not like I’m advocating quitting so that you can be home all the time with your kids. But what I do know is that every single one of my working mom friends manages to find a way to be there for her kids whenever they are doing something exciting or extraordinary—like appearing in their very first play as a butterfly or hitting the game winning home run at little league. And you know what, if I had the opportunity to have the summer off, I’d be hitting the gym, playing tennis, shopping and lunching with friends. Does that make me a terrible mother because I want to do things that make me happy too? Last I checked, mother is not spelled M-A-R-T-Y-R.

So back to Ms. Survey: The icing on the cake of our conversation came when I mentioned that I had featured a woman she had included in her book at one of my Role Mommy events, and I told her how amazing I thought she was since she was able to reinvent her life after her husband divorced her on their 40th anniversary. The sourpuss looked at me and said, “Well, I never actually spoke with her; I read her essays and you know that she qualified for food stamps after her husband left and she was so poor she had to live over a store.” I looked straight at her and said, “After meeting her and her incredible children, I’m happy to report that she’s doing quite well and has never been happier. She’s travelled the world with a famous singer, is planning to publish a book and has become an advocate for both divorced women and widows who find themselves financially strained after they’ve either divorced or lost their husbands.” Incidentally, the reason she “lived above a store” was simple. She didn’t want to live by herself in a big Victorian house so she downsized and got a job at a local theater where she rented rooms to actors and had some really wonderful experiences. Take that Debbie Downer!

Every single time Ms. Farbissina tried to hit me with a negative fact, “Do you know that 93 percent of start up businesses by women fail,” I would hit her back with one of my zingers. “Well, the inspiring women I have met over the last two years have managed to find ways to pursue their dreams successfully and offer advice and inspiration for any mother looking to reinvent themselves while raising a family.”

The woman just kept on spewing out statistics and correcting me if I got a minor fact wrong about working mothers and at one point, I started zoning out of our conversation and began thinking to myself, who the heck actually participates in surveys anyway? Certainly not me. In fact, every time I get a call from a survey person, I disguise my voice, tell them I’m not at home and join my son as he plays a Quizzy’s tournament on Webkinz.

So what’s my point about this whole tirade about women choosing not to work? My point is, we don’t want to be brow beaten about our decisions—we second guess ourselves enough and do not need some out of touch statistic-addled author telling us that we are throwing our lives down the toilet because we’ve decided to be good moms and take a break from the work force for a few years. My personal philosophy is this: Don’t incite. Inspire. Be a good mom, but don’t lose yourself to motherhood either. If you’ve got a passion, pursue it because life is too damn short and, trust me, nobody likes to be around a Farbissina Punim!

To read more harried rants about balancing work, life and everything in between, visit Beth's blog, Role Mommy Confessions or her website, Role Mommy. (It's a sort of coffee klatch for today’s busy moms.) If you don’t have time to go online, Beth's amusing anecdotes are also available in book form in Peeing in Peace: Tales & Tips for Type A Moms!