Back Talk

Illustration: Paul Daviz / Illustration Ltd.

DEAR ANTONIA:
My four-year-old son told me that a girl in his class asked him to pull down his pants. I know she was just curious, but I am teaching my son about private space. I alerted their teacher; should I have spoken to the girl’s mother instead?
The old “You show me yours, I’ll show you mine” exchange is likely as familiar to the teacher as the Thanksgiving turkeys that are traced around little hands. My son, Tyler, explored this new territory when he was that age; and my daughter Emma, at four, is doing so now. At least your son’s classmate asked to see the goodies of another preschooler, not a grown man. That’s right—Emma popped the question to my brother at a picnic. She’d already seen Tyler’s, so, as she related it, she wanted to know if a grown-up one looked different. Thank goodness it was family. (She apparently thinks of my husband as some kind of neutered entity, as she never bothered with him.) Anyway, we had a big talk about private parts being private, and that (I hope) will be that. Had we learned of Emma’s proposal from a teacher or another parent, our talk would have been the same. As long as you explain to your son that he can always say no—and that he must always abide by someone else’s “no” should the tables be turned—then the lesson should sink in.

DEAR ANTONIA:
My daughter’s third birthday is coming up, and my mom’s a bit of a penny-pincher. She buys everything, including gifts, from the 99-cent store. How can I gently ask her to buy something, well, nicer?
You’re not going to get her to spend more. Either she doesn’t have the money (which would make it pretty awful for you to demand a more expensive gift) or she’s the stuck-in-the-past type who constantly complains about a cup of coffee costing more than 50 cents. But you might try to get her to redirect her spending. No grandmother can ignore a safety-related request, and the merchandise at many discount stores is as cheaply made as it is priced. Do a little research and cite some choking-hazard horror stories. Feel free to use this one: My great-aunt gave my son, Tyler, a knockoff G.I. Joe for his fifth birthday (I think its name was “Soldier Jim”) bought from a liquidator and manufactured in what I imagine as a Dickensian sweatshop. Let’s ignore that I’ve repeatedly told my relatives we don’t let the kids play with violent toys, and focus instead on this: Semi-posable Jim fell apart before the party was even over—and my husband made a flying leap to stop a three-year-old guest from popping the disembodied head into her mouth. If your mother is set on spending only a few dollars on a gift, have her give a coloring book or some stickers or a ball—things that are inherently inexpensive and generally safe, yet still give kids a thrill.

DEAR ANTONIA:
The bookstore is a favorite after-school pit stop for my daughter, who’s five (we love to browse). How can I get her to pick up a classic before running straight to, say, Disney or Dora?
I cringe at those movie- and TV-based books, too—many of them essentially flavorless recaps of the cinematic plots, without lots of the interactive elements that make us feel better about letting our children watch in the first place. Yeah, my kids love them. My four-year-old is currently attached to one such book about an animated princess who shall remain unnamed. But you must admit—they get children reading. And is it really so surprising that these are the first books they go for? Kids that age are drawn to the familiar; when they see the same friendly faces they spend their Saturday mornings with, or the heroes who just thrilled them at the movie theater, of course they’re going to be excited. I say, fight fire with fire. Introduce them to classic characters at home—tell them stories, intrigue them with pics on the Internet—then trot them down to the local bookstore. I bet they’ll want to read the stories of these amazing new characters, too.

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