The God question

Technically, I’m Jewish. In practice and spirit, I’m a protean mix of agnostic, deist and humanist who loves lox, chopped liver and Yiddish expressions. What other language gives us curses like “May you grow like a turnip, with your head in the ground and your ass in the air”?

I married another Jew, who was bar mitzvahed, can read Hebrew and is much more comfortable in a synagogue than I’ll ever be. Still, we live in harmony as a couple, our party line being that when it comes to religion, we arrived at the same place from different directions: Neither of us believes in a sentient God or the efficacy of prayer. Our wedding was performed by my mother, a judge, with input from my in-laws’ Conservative rabbi. In all debates with the rabbi—over my refusal to wear a veil, my reluctance to have a kosher wedding menu, you name it—my husband was, if not as emotional and vociferous as I was, firmly on my side.

When we pulled the goalie a few years ago, I suspected our spiritual détente would eventually be challenged. Our firstborn was a girl, so we skirted the bris issue—the brissue, if you will. But now, seven months pregnant, I’m once again wondering how we’d deal with a ceremony that I think is repugnant but which my husband would happily organize. And then there’s the question of Hebrew school, which looms larger with each passing year.

A 2000 survey conducted by the Association of Religious Data Archives (thearda.com) suggests that just under 5 million of New York City’s 8.2 million residents belong to one congregation or another, meaning that Gotham, despite what folks west of the Hudson may think, is far from being a godless den of iniquity. What trips up some couples is the very religious diversity they embrace. Because interfaith unions and inclusive congregations are so commonplace here, most of us don’t think to put a shared spiritual outlook at the top of our list of an ideal mate’s qualities. The arrival of kids forces us—with the possible exception of deeply traditional families for whom compromise isn’t an option—to revisit the issue of religion.

Hoping to pick up a few tips on how to address the God question with minimal domestic disturbance, Time Out Kids looked at common religious conflicts, talked to local experts and got the stories of families who have found a balance that works for them.

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