Playground-to-English phrase book

If you hear...

They mean...

My children have no interest in TV. 

 My family is intellectually superior to yours.

Does your little girl need a tissue? 

 For God’s sake, wipe her nose!

We’re still looking for volunteers for the school fair… 

 You haven’t signed up for anything, and everyone is talking about you.

Our four-year-old just loves to spend the afternoon reading. 

 Our kid’s really advanced, and I want to brag without seeming to.

My son’s four, and he doesn’t even know the alphabet yet!  

 We’re so progressive, we don’t worry about learning.

We don’t let our kids drink juice. 

 Put away that sugar-water in front of my kids.

Oh, you let your three-year-old sleep in your bed? 

 Get a life.

I’m afraid we’re overbooked right now, but I’ll get back to you after the holiday. 

 My kid can’t stand your kid.

How well do you know that mother? 

 Let’s gossip!

Sorry, our playgroup has a waiting list. 

 I don’t like you enough to see you every week.

Is your son always so active? 

 I think he has ADHD.

Does your daughter have a lot of playdates? 

 Is your daughter as popular as mine?

Did you know it’s picture day? 

 Your kid’s a mess.

What time does your husband come home from work? 

 Let’s compare whose home life is more challenging, and then compete over who does more.

We chose the preschool for its fine academic program. 

 I will be demonstrating my daughter’s genius abilities over the next 20 minutes.

We reserve weekends for family activities. 

 We don’t believe in using babysitters…because we’re better than you.

Let’s get together for coffee sometime. 

 I want to end this conversation without seeming rude.