Back Talk

Illustration: Amy Chapman

How does anyone get by in this city with two kids? My partner and I don’t want to move to the suburbs, but we may have no choice financially. Is there some kind of white magic NYC families tap into, or are they all billionaires?

Like questions about the existence of God and the meaning of life, this one is essentially unanswerable. But I will say this: It’s easy to write off New Yorkers with two or more kids as being ridiculously wealthy folks who avoid the hassle of the subway with private cars and head out to a second home on weekends.

Yes, money certainly helps, but the truth is, raising kids in this town requires something less tangible. It’s not magic (though I like your Bewitched theory), but faith. Faith that your children will be better off for never seeing the inside of a Yankee Candle store. That they will avoid obesity even without a backyard to play in. That your sacrifice of space (shout-out to my friends Ted and Chelli, who share a studio with a preschooler and a baby!) is rewarded with an abundance of culture, diversity and community.

I like to think that the divine Madonna had parents in mind when she wrote her 2005 song “I Love New York”: “If you can’t take the heat, then get off my street.” We all have our get-me-outta-here moments. But if you find yourself constantly complaining, if you can’t plug in to the collective energy of the resourceful and resolute families around you, then leaving may be the right thing to do.

Should I say something to a mother who sent her two kids —of only five invited—to my son’s birthday party without a gift? (They said they “forgot it at home” and would drop it off with the doorman, but months later, there’s still no gift.) This same mom delivered her children to a friend’s party to which they’d not been invited; again, no gift.

Ah yes, the Mom Grifter. An older and more fertile Kari Ferrell, she charms her way into kiddie birthday parties with promises of gifts to come, then cleans you out of Elmo cake and goody bags.

Seriously, though, do you really invite kids to your child’s parties for the purpose of receiving gifts? You invite them because they are your son’s buddies—or classmates, at least. You invite them because you want your child to have fun on his birthday with family and friends. While it may be tacky to come empty-handed without explanation, do you need another plastic truck in your apartment? Personally, I’m relieved when parents “forget” the gift at home; we don’t have room for the stuff we’ve got.

You don’t have to be friends with this mom, but you shouldn’t jeopardize your son’s relationship with her kids. You might inadvertently teach your child that friends are to be valued for what he can get out of them.

Don’t say anything. After all, the Mom Grifter made the effort to get her kids there, and your party would have been less celebratory had she not. The social calendars of grade-schoolers are filled with birthday parties practically every weekend. At $25 a pop for a present, it can add up. Have some sympathy for parents during these tough economic times, and cut the mom some slack.

In a quandry? E-mail your question to kids@timeoutny.com.

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